Fuzz

This is Fuzz, aka Stupid Fuzz. He is called this because of an incident involving a squirrel. I call him stupid for other reasons, both of which shall be delineated later. Fuzz is second oldest male cat in the house and is the father of Oatmeal and Trouble, after several bouts of fornication with another one of our female cats, Boo. Yes, cats have no problem with such immoral behavior, especially when performed in public. He is not the alpha male either, being far too disinterested for such tasks. Fuzz was one of many kittens in a single litter; the rest were drowned, and Fuzz was saved for a meal we never ate. Just kidding.

Everyone in my house considers Fuzz their favorite because of his good nature. Personally, I think it's because of his amazing stupidity. Amazing for several reasons. First off, he does not perceive human irritation; specifically, my irritation. Most of our cats have developed a "Jeff" radar that enables them to avoid me when I'm in foul mood towards felines. Actually, this is most of the time since they all avoid me constantly, running the other direction when I approach. However, Fuzz does not have this ability. He will attempt to cuddle with me when I'm trying to fall asleep, despite the fact that I've thrown him across the room several times. He is just not a smart animal when it comes to people. Second, he is a terrible mouser, the one trait I value in felines. The "stupid" moniker was first given to him when he was released on the back porch to dispatch a squirrel that had been robbing our bird feeder. The little beast was sitting on the edge of the deck, and Fuzz was sent outside to take care of business. Instead, he regarded the squirrel with a look of nonchalance, sat down and looked the other way. Yet on other occasions he has chased the same squirrel halfway up a pine tree, furiously racing around the trunk until they were both 20 feet high. How this cat can make distinction about when to chase and when not to chase is unknown to me. But given that he is fed from money out of my pocket, I expect results, an expectation he apparently does not share.

Fuzz is also the master of inconvenience. Cleaning his bottom right in the middle of dinner, especially with guests, is a specialty. Sitting amongst the folded laundry on the coffee table, then proceeding to stretch into comfortability whilst knocking every neat stack on the floor. Sleeping on that clean shirt I left out on the dresser to wear the next day. Cat hair, flea droppings, and dirt; what a fashion statement. Leaving that particularly odiferous "gift" in the litter box as we're gathered in the living room as a family for some quality time. Hmmm…smell the love. One standout example is when he proceed to fornicate with Boo right in the middle of the living room floor while the kids were watching a movie with a friend. Would you like a private room sir? No thanks, we're fine.

He also has a tendency to wander farther from the house than the other cats. When nearby, he will come to any family member, including me. When on walk-about, he will only respond to Seth's call. Now you must understand, this is not a mere "here kitty, kitty" call; this is a loud and repeated "FUZZ!", that can be heard throughout a 2 mile radius. This can go on for 5 minutes until Fuzz decides to come home. One can only wonder what the neighbors think. My son is slightly embarrassed at being a feline foghorn and though Mandy has tried to fill that role, it just doesn't work. When spending the night at a friends house and Fuzz is out and away, he won't be back until Seth is.

Fuzz is also subject to all sorts of spontaneous "love fests", my term, whereby family members will find the lazy villain lounging on someone's pillow (leaving a trail of debris) and proceed to scratch his neck, his head, his belly, until he is awash in affection, eyes closed, purring like a Mack truck. All the while, that individual is talking to Fuzz, about how wonderful he is or about how stupid he is. Actually, Fuzz does not know the difference, so it really doesn’t matter as long as you're giving him a good rubbing. He responds equally to praises or curses as long as he's the center of attention, has no shame, lives off someone else's income, largely ignores the other cat population, and could care less about his responsibilities.

Maybe he ought to run for public office.