Tubby

This is Tubby, aka "Too-Bye". He earned this name because he is was the fattest kitten of the bunch. He earned the "Too-Bye" nickname via Mandy, who was just barely a year old and couldn't say "Tubby" very well. Tubby is the oldest of the nine and should be considered the Alpha-Male, but he's too timid for that job. He tends to let other cats bother him so he spends most of his time outside, where he is even more worthless than inside. He ignores squirrels, birds, and other invading cats. He even has been known to ignore dogs, provided he is far enough under a parked car. As a protector, he fails miserably except that he urinates on parked cars in the immediate area, which is his only real plus except he does this to my car. Since I only wash my car twice a year, I kinda feel bad for tire shop when repairs are needed. But not too bad.

Tubby can regularly be found spread-eagled in the middle of driveway, waiting for someone to pull up. Of course even if you do pull-up, he will ignore you. He stares at the front of your car as if working a Jedi mind trick. But it doesn't work. A good, long horn blast usually does the trick though. If that doesn't work, I back up and accelerate quickly then stop suddenly just before smacking him. My wife and children do not like this antic, but I am rarely in a diplomatic mood after driving home from work, especially when facing a recalcitrant feline. Being a long-hair cat, he particularly enjoys rolling in leaves, dirt, or some other foreign debris. Not only does this add to his stunning good looks, it gives him something to bring inside the house.

Speaking of which, once inside the house Tubby should be known by another name - Destructo Boy. Outside, besides issuing unenforceable mental edicts against moving cars, Tubby likes to sleep on the hood of whatever car is in the driveway. He excels at finding car owners who keep their cars fastidiously clean, so that he can leave a footprint proof of his visit. Other than that, he's basically harmless. Inside, he becomes a four legged weapon. Immediately upon entry to the house, he heads straight for the food bowl, after passing a gauntlet of butt-sniffing feline companions who are intimately interested in what rear ends smell like. (Stories on those antics to posted at a later date.) Tubby eats for a few minutes then gets some water to wash it down. The water dish will remain unmoved, but the sink, an empty cup, an unwashed bowl of spaghetti remains which is fill of stagnant water, what's left in the shower from bath time, or an open toilet bowl will all suffice. He really likes to jump in the sink when you're brushing your teeth; no interruption like a cat on a mission. To make this thirst quenching a full joy, let it be raining outside. Disgusting muddy paw prints follow everywhere he goes. The kitchen counter and shower are particular joys, though Georgia's red clay barely shows up on our beige carpet.

But the Destructo Boy moniker really applies when he wants to go outside - usually about 3 minutes after he's been let in. Tubby jumps on the kitchen counter - oh, sorry about the dishes. Tubby jumps on the piano - oh, sorry about the knick-knacks and assorted stuff arranged there. Tubby jumps on the corner chair - oh, sorry about the vertically stacked books that come crashing down, scattering the other cats everywhere. Tubby scratches the couch, which he knows better - oh, sorry about that hole I'm making. When he's feeling particularly malicious, he urinates on the wall. I am not making this up; when he wants to go outside and you don't open the door fast enough, he finds something to pee on. Repeating beatings just don't phase him - he may run from the other cats, but seems to have assumed the alpha human position, which belongs to me. I think.

Other than these things, Tubby is a great cat.